Facebook. Status. Facebook status. What does it do? How do I use it? How can I be a better statuser? Well, STFU and I’ll tell you.

First, avoid using words like shmoopy, babycakes, honeybuns, or loverbabygirliloveyousomuchkisskisskiss. It renders you a weak, sissybitch-like statuser. Terms of endearment have no place in statuses. Only terms of other things. Basically anything but endearment. That is, of course, if you have a soul. Soulless automatons need not worry.

Second, if you’re going to be relationshippy with your status, please do yourself a favor and add a LOLZ or ROFL at the end of it. An example: “You are 4,293 miles away but I feel closer to you than ever. LOLZ.” See? You’re not a vagina. You’re a guy that knows his way around a status.

Third, nothing says “I have no balls” than something involving “Saturday movie and popcorn night with my baby!” It’s just sad. If you’re having a movie night on a Saturday night, keep it to your damn self. Otherwise you just invite massive shit talking to your Facebook doorstep.

I just glazed the surface here, but you get the idea. Statusses are one of the last sacred bits a man has to hold on to that his girlfriend has not compromised. It’s freedom of expression, people. And goddamnit, you’re simply not free to vomit all over everyone’s newsfeed with “baking a rhubarb pie with my soulmate whom I love more than life itself because she’s sooooo perfect for me.”

It’s just not proper status etiquette.