Monday, Feb 18 2008

An atrocity of epic proportions. Ryan Hopper skips wings, claiming that his dog is sick. Fair enough. But what he fails to mention is that he also called his girlfriend, picked her up, made her dinner, and uttered the words “Lets have our own Monday Night Wings here together.” Wrong. Sick and wrong. I don’t need to emphasize how many napkin agreements have been violated, but i’ll do so anyways.

• There will be no (nooo) girlfriends allowed at Monday Night Wings.
• Tardiness is unacceptable. Skipping wings without a valid excuse is even worse.
• Making any reference to having “our own Monday Night Wings” is shameful and disgusting, and no amount of knives and flags can represent an act of this nature.

An unprecedented punishment was in order. Hopper’s girlfriend (who had already returned home after the unspeakable act) was kidnapped in the van, Old School style. She was brought back to Wings as Hopper’s replacement, and participated in activities such as drinking Bloody Hoppers, doing the bang bang dance, and yelling at Cameron. She signed a napkin agreement detailing the atrocity, which reads as follows:

The group signed the napkin agreement into the articles of wings:

The girlfriend was then returned to Hopper’s house (field trip!) for the confrontation. Detailed allegations and evidence was laid out, and Hopper admitted to the charges.

Disgusting. Let this serve as a lesson to all who would skip wings for female companionship.

Hey kids. It’s Joey B live from Hickfuckville, North Carolina. In case you forgot (for fucking shame), I am one of the founders of Monday Night Wings.

It has come to my attention that some of you have lost focus of what MNW is. Some of you have taken Monday’s off to do Godknowswhat with your significant-exceptonmondays-others. Some of you have kept inconsistent and piss-poor hours on the weekly holiday. Both cardinal sins, mind you, but none takes a greater shit on the legacy than breaking off in a sad Schmoopy-Woopy attempt to found your own monday night wings.

“Let’s have our own monday night wings here.” – Ryan Hopper to girl.

What. The. Fuck.

The two offenses are deplorable already, but Hopper, seriously. What the fuck. You should be ashamed. Then stoned to death by big fucking rocks. You make me sick.

Shape up you fucks. Or the Gods of wing will become angry.