I was at a BP last week and someone spilled a ton of gasoline. The smell instantly made me think of the Cheetah. I found this to be quite strange, then I started singing that Gasolina song in my head. I am ready for summer.

Gentlemen –

I have been saddened by the recent lack of wings etiquette and a lack of respect for the guiding principles of MNW.  Please take note of the following.

Eating

Buffalo Wings – Acceptable.

Monday night wings was founded on the eating of buffalo wings.  Wings shall be described as either “Dry” or “Soupy”, and may be rated on a 1-10 scale, so long as the rating of 10 is never used.  It is also commonplace to recall a previous batch of wings as a means of comparison.

Bowls of Popcorn – Acceptable.

Popcorn from the Sally’s machine is acceptable, so long as the following conditions are met: 

• Popcorn bowls must be dropped onto the table so that at least 1/3 of the popcorn spills onto the table.
• Empty popcorn bowls should either be refilled or used as storage for wing bones.  A Sally’s busser, also referred to as “Monday Night Wings” shall be forced to clean them up.

Bleu Cheese – Acceptable.

Blue cheese is used for wing dipping.  It can be traded as a commodity in exchange for celery.  Often a community “vat of bleu cheese” is ordered.  Ranch is an acceptable substitute.

Barbeque / Teriyaki Wings – Inappropriate!

No. I don’t care how good they are. This is not a chinese food buffet. Flag.

Buffalo Chicken Sandwich / Anything that comes with a bun – Inappropriate!

@#$&^@(&$!! No. At least the BBQ wings are still referred to as “wings”. This one isn’t even close. No, you may not have a sandwich. If you want to start “Monday Night Sandwiches”, then please do so. Then kill yourself immediately thereafter.

Cobb Salad (Yes, someone actually did this) – Inappropriate!

&)(@&$@*(^%)(^@!%!!. The mother of all MNW atrocities. This was done once, and i sincerely hope it is never attempted again. Ever.

Drinks

Pitchers of Miller Lite – Acceptable.

The lifeblood of Monday Night Wings. Miller Lite should be ordered in pitcher form. The waitress shall be told to “keep them coming”. Ordering several pitchers at once is acceptable. No other beer shall be ordered. A “mistake” pitcher of a different vareity is also acceptable, as long as it is free of charge.

Monday Night Football Free Beer – Acceptable.

Free beer is served during the first quarter of Monday Night Football. The first cup should be “slammed” as a group. You may drink as many or as few as you want, provided that you drink at least one. Free beer may be served in several vareities, including but not limited to: Miller Lite, Premium, Honey Weiss, or some combination of beers. Skunky kegs should be reported to the management, who will quickly dismiss it by saying “its free – what are they complaining about”. Drinking only free beer, and leaving without tipping because you “didn’t really order anything” is STRICTLY PROHIBITED, and you are a douche for doing so.

Specialty Beer / Ordering Your Own Mug of Beer – Inappropriate!

You’re not impressing anyone. Anyone who uses the following excuses: “I don’t drink that piss beer”, “Its too watered down for me”, or “I’m kind of a beer snob”, as reason not to drink Miller Lite is an asshole, and should leave wings immediately. I don’t care about the brewery tour you went on while studying overseas, or how Fat Tire wasn’t available in Minnesota until recently, or what special blend of grains and spices were used to make your awful looking beer. Your emo friends may be impressed, but we are most certainly not. Flag.

Bloody Hopper – Acceptable. A bloody hopper is a stiff screwdriver with some strawberry shit mixed in with it. An after dinner drink of sorts. It gets you drunk.

This should cover the food and drink portion of MNW.  Please learn it, review it, and hold it sacred.